I feel like I should start this blog post like an alcoholic starts at an AA meeting - Hi My name is Saskia and I'm a blogger, it's been 35 days since my last blog (sighs of disgust coming from the other bloggers!...
I've had a week broken sleep, I moved Jethro into a room with Carly, so now Leila my eldest daughter has her own room. I wasn't sure if I was doing the right thing, but we'll see how it all pans out. Carly doesn't mind sharing with Jethro, "Shame" she says "He doesn't have a room, he can sleep in mine!" so cute man! Oh and she was a bit bummed that Leila has a little en-suite on her bedroom - the smallest room in the house has an en-suite - how does that work. We only have two bathrooms in the house, but, again, not to be outdone - Carly reckons she also has a bathroom and hers has a bath and a shower in it... she gave us permission to use it - why thanks Carly! So cute.
Anyway, so it seems Jethro is getting used to sharing a room with Carly, but he's been waking up at around 4am every morning. Leila, petrified of mozzies has been waking me up every night at around 1am, to ask me if I remembered to put the mozzie plug-in thingie in. Which I have done every night. But she won't get out of her bed to come ask me, she calls me and now that she is all the way down the passage and in a room on her own for the first time since Carly moved in with her when Carly was Jethro's age - ok - specifics - when Leila was about 3 and a half.... I'm worried she'll get scared so I race down the passage to cries of mom.. moooom... mooo-ooom only to hear "did you switch the mozzie thing on?"
My middle child, certainly doesn't display difficult middle child syndrome symptoms at night - she is a great sleeper, when she sleeps, she sleeps - she hardly ever wakes me up...
So after a week of broken sleep, an exam pending in a few days and it being almost that time of the month, I wake up this morning with a desperate desire for another baby. WHAAATT??!!
I'm totally devastated that my husband has had a vasectomy, (it was a year ago, with absolute support from my side!)I'm so sad that it is virtually impossible for me to have another baby. I'm totally shattered with sadness today about the fact that I can't have 4 children - I need someone to speak sense into my head, because how can I want another child. I totally know how much hard work it is?? God please give me another child - by some miracle please?? -> how unselfish a request from such a selfish person.
I'm hoping these feelings will pass, because there is no way we will have another baby and even if we could, there is no way we could afford another baby. I'm just getting into my studies and next year all three will be at school the whole morning, so I'll have the mornings to really focus on work and studying.
I hope it's just a normal feeling now that my baby is approaching the two year mark, I'm normally pregnant or just about pregnant at this time, so it's such a weird time for me. The unknown awaits and I always like to stick to what I know.
I know I love my kids, I know I love having kids. I know that my children make me incredibly happy. They challenge me and my character is being grown and changed and stretched each day. I know they are so cute and say the most adorable things. I know they are one the first and last thoughts I have in a day. I know that I couldn't live without them and I know they are growing up and it makes me so sad. I'm not sure why I get sad about them growing up, but I do...???
I'm such a weirdo - let's hope my next post is all about how I am so happy with just three and how I just couldn't bare the thought of another one....
No comments:
Post a Comment